Ekspektasi

 “Feel more peaceful when you can just ignore people’s expectation toward you.. so that you have no worries anymore.”

“Well, ignorance and apathetic is not good.

But having over-thoughts and insecurities really swipe my peace away.. So, how?”

Petikan di atas adalah kalimat yang kutulis di note HP ku beberapa waktu yang lalu. Berpikir tentang ekspektasi berlebihan dari orang lain terhadap kita yang bahkan mereka pun tidak tahu apapun tentang diri kita. Di usia yang seharusnya sudah bisa mandiri dan membahagiakan orang yang disayang, namun karena suatu hal dan yang lain kita belum bisa melakukannya. Sebagian besar dari kita mungkin juga pernah merasakan, bagaimana rasanya tidak mampu memenuhi keinginan dan harapan orang. Sakit, sedih, marah, dan kecewa terhadap diri sendiri pasti ada. Apalagi diperparah dengan perkembangan media sosial yang begitu pesat membuat kita bisa melihat berbagai capaian orang lain dengan mudah, yang secara tidak sadar membuat kita cenderung membandingkan diri sendiri dengan mereka. 

Tidak adil rasanya jika membandingkan diri dengan orang lain. Banyak faktor-faktor kesuksesan seseorang yang luput dari radar. Mungkin orang tersebut usahanya lebih keras, mungkin mereka sudah memulai lebih dulu, mungkin mereka punya suatu kelebihan yang tidak kita punya, atau mungkin mereka punya privilage tersendiri yang membuatnya lebih cepat mencapai sukses.

Actually we don’t know anything about someone if we’re just seen their cover. We can’t judge by nothing..

*to be continued

A Message for You: Me with My 'Champagne Problem'

*inspired by Greta Gerwig’s movie “Little Women” and Taylor Swift’s song “Champagne Problems”.

        Hello there, how's life? Hope you're okay and happy as you should be.

        It's been one year since the last time we talk to each other. Sharing some thoughts, stories and spirit. Time flies as i couldn't recognize and it hasn't been the same anymore.. you and i seems so far. Unreachable. You've tried to text me eventhough you know i wouldn't reply. But trust me, deep down in my heart i really want to..

        If you noticed, i often try to make you aware that we’re just friends (i hope it still be like that), or such a family, by calling you ‘bro’. Not more. But apparently, it didn't make any sense to you.

I wanted to save you from this, I thought you’d understand.

—Jo March, Little Women (2019)

        I want to escape from fears i thought i can’t take. I’ve tried my best. And here we are.. my concern became a reality.

        You finally came up with that words. I’m shock yet still trying to get ready if this will happen later or sooner. Because in several times you went with ‘that’ topic, i always try to resist. But, why me? What do you expect from me? I wonder you have met some girls better before.

        I truly appreciate your confession and for a moment, i’m glad that i finally know that. I know you’ve tried your best, too. But still, i didn’t know what kind of answer shall i give to you. I was so confused with my own feeling and i didn’t know why. I was afraid.

I’m afraid i would hurt someone in your past that i already know. I know her well and we’re best friend. Although i didn’t know what her feeling about you for now, but i just don’t want to be uncomfortable with her.

I don't see why i can't love you as you want me to. I don't know why. —Jo March, Little Women (2019)

        I always hope i could find the right answer, but i failed. And actually, i were not and never get ready for this. I didn’t want to be in this tough position. Only pessimistic words kept running in to my mind that we wouldn’t make it —although it even hadn’t started yet— and we’re going to be awkward for each other again like in the past old days. And basically i’m too afraid that i couldn’t meet your expectation, or i would hurt you later. But in fact, my decision —to not respond you— made everything’s worse. Subconsciously i created a wall between us. And obviously, it hurt you even more.

        We have met each other several times after that. Even took a picture together, side by side. No talk, just a little smile. But it got so cold.. at least that’s what i felt.

        Disappointment. I believe you’re terribly disappoint on me, but you barely showed it. You know, i felt the same way too, tho. Having guilt, anger, disappointment and negative feelings for my own self. And kind of emptiness. I feel so lonely..

        I admitted if, indeed, i couldn’t stand for it. I wanted to turn these feelings off but i had no idea how to do. I had no clue.. and i wanted to shout you for help but when it came to my mouth, it already shut off by my ego.

        Was i too hard on my self? Or was it just a selfish way to avoid you for coming in? Or was it a denial of my feelings? I don't know. What if i give you the chance in the first place? What if i truly be true with my feelings? What if we can make things work? And some other ‘what if’s never went off from my head.

        Should we have tried then?

        Is it too late for us to start over?

        In the end, i realized that i’m only being mean to you.

        I couldn’t make a relationship goes well. Again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.. i just couldn’t help it and i’m sorry that it brought you down this time.

        You said, "If it doesn’t work, no problem. Friends still be friends 'till the end." "I definitely respect your decision. No pressure, please." "Hmm. No reply, i'm gonna assume you said no." "Sorry to bother you. Wish the best for you!" These words really broke my heart.

        You’re such a nice guy, for sure. It's not your fault and you don’t deserve this. You can blame me for what happened. I gave you scars even in your birthday month. Well, it sound so cruel, doesn’t it? But it is what it is :(

And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So, why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

— Keane, Somewhere only we know Lyric

        All i wish i can do, for now, is maybe i can meet you once more and have a courage to say that i’m sorry, i’m desperately sorry and i didn’t mean to hurt you. At least i can talk to you, eventhough i can't fix your broken heart but i wish i can make you understand.

        And i will eventually let you go.

        Hope that the wound i shred will heal thorough time.. and you'll find someone better in the future.

        I'm really sorry and i hope you can forgive me. 

“You just want it simply, but i give you a complexity.”

Me, February 2023

For the foolishness i made last year

Ps. about the tittle

Champagne problem: a problem or dilemma that, when compared to issues of poverty, national disasters and war, are not all that big of a deal, but nonetheless provide individuals with issues that must be dealt with. (Cr: Urban Dictionary)